Is it selfish to not want kids?

Updated: Jan 8, 2019

Having the freedom to decide whether or not you want to have kids is a privilege. There are still many places around the world, where women do not know enough about birth control or do not have access to it. There are also plenty of women who would love to have kids but just cannot get pregnant.

But what if a woman decides that she doesn't want kids? There are a lot of subconscious beliefs connected to motherhood. Also within ourselves. They depend on our culture, our upbringing, our social environment. I realized that I had to deconstruct my own beliefs first if I want to truly take a free decision. I am talking about beliefs like "you are not a real woman unless you have children" or "you are selfish if you don't have kids". Yet another one may be a feeling of failure – as if you have not achieved what everyone else is here for. I think that the last one also goes for "being married". Now that I am divorced, this myth has definitely been dispelled lol.

However, I want to make sure I go a bit more consciously into the "should I have kids" debate in my heart. A very tempting thought in the past was the idea that children bring unconditional love and a purpose in life. No mother's life has ever been deemed unworthy after all. But what is my life purpose if I am not going to be a mum?

Oh and there is also another fear instilled in us when we dare uttering the words "I am not sure if I want to have babies":

"You will regret it and you will be alone when you are older."

I personally don't care too much about the first, because I am just not too much of a "regretter" – I know this is not a word, but it really should be! And, talking about selfish, I would like to ask back: "But isn't this a bit selfish?".

I know that there are plenty of awesome mums out there who are doing a hell of a lot for their children and society, but I personally feel that I can help the planet and its people more if I am not a mum. Maybe I just don't have as much energy as they have :). And you know what? That's totally fine!

It fulfils me to be involved with Voices for Children and UN Women Miami. I want to look after those who are already here and need someone who has some time and energy at their hand to be there for them. I also want to be here for my loved ones. Cook them a meal when they need it or listen to their sorrows. And I honestly do not want to put my almost 40-years-old body through all this either. I know you will all tell me: "But it is not too late" and "You can still do this". And I totally agree but I just don't feel like using my energy this way, I have other plans.

Who knows, maybe one day, a child, teenager, or 10 rescue dogs will be in need of my love. Temporarily or forever. Who knows anyway. So many things are not in our hands, and I feel that especially in terms of having babies, we should all learn to let go. I have had to learn it, too. It has been a process.

Let's let go of old beliefs, ideas, and trying to control it all.

I have seen so many women getting obsessed with the idea that all they need to be happy is a baby and I my heart feels a lot of compassion for them, I pray that they can learn to let go, surrender... life has so much to offer and there are so many different ways of being (a mother and) happy.

Who said that having your own child is the only road to happiness?

Please comment you ladies, I can't wait for a heated debate :). Find our ladies' comments in our private Facebook Group.

Much love,


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